party of 1

Thursday Print Co. recently celebrated 1 year of being in business. This milestone felt both large and small to me. When beginning this business adventure over a year ago, I think I envisioned the growth of year 1 including employees. But I have been just chipping away at this year & all of the work that has come along with it by myself. Not in a woe is me sort of way, I think I might just prefer it that way. It does get overwhelming and difficult, sometimes. And, sometimes I'd really like the opportunity to blame the incompetencies or failures on someone else, but it turns out, it's just me over here.

Year 1 has been so much learning. I can't really even comprehend how thankful I am that so many people took chances on me with printing, painting, framing, and whatever other crazy shit I got to do. Most of the things I did in the last year were my first time. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm frustrated, disappointed, and wishing it was better. I'm not an expert. I just really want to make good quality, lasting prints and artwork for people. I will learn more and get better. But, if you start out at level expert, you've got nowhere to grow to & that's boring.

I think I struggle a lot with pacing out my time and I sometimes blame this on whatever is my mental health. I get like decision-fatigue or whatever it's called where you can't start the task because it's not organized in the right way yet. I get it all done though, it's just a really stressful way to go about it. I'm learning to let Zoloft in my body & man, I should have done that sooner. 

This time of the year is shitbags for me. My mom's birthday is October 23rd and every year I get mad that other people get to be older and she doesn't. I also get wicked depressed about some moms I know remind me of mine & they're like a weird whisper of her, just taunting me. Like, I'll get a reassuring rub on the back from a mom and I'll go home and cry about it later because nobody has touched me in that like gentle, soothing, motherly way in 7+ years and it's just the way that mothers learn to touch people to soothe them or something. It's sick. Also, one time, I was invited to a mom's house for dinner and she was showing me around her apartment because it was my first time visiting and she showed me her bedroom & it felt like the air had been vacuumed out of my body. I hadn't seen a MomRoom in so long. Like, with the ironing board out and laundry half-done all over the place. It's like not a mess, it's just the way that MomRooms are because they're so busy – it's chaotic and there's just this sort of energy & vibe of the room. It killed me. I had a full mental breakdown in my car on the way home. Ugly Kim Kardashian sobbing. 

Anyway, that has nothing to do with work, other than the fact that these things like weigh on my mind and just sit in the back of my brain like little devils and I'm trying to do my best, but I keep getting this like "what would mom think about all this?" and "would she be happy for me?" "would she be proud of me?" going on. Sometimes it makes things very difficult. And, I unfortunately do not feel like this will ever stop happening to me. Even with the new Zoloft. So, I'm just going to have to really get comfortable with the grief brain goblins that like to hangout and make me sad that my mom will not see anything that happens for the rest of my life. And, I can't call her to tell her, so I just look at the clouds and hope she finds out somehow. 

Okay, great, I think I've sufficiently killed the vibe of this first blog post. Hope u are all doing well if u made it to the end of here. I'll see u next time, maybe. 

Bye, mom. Thanks for reading.